I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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