Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
