You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
