All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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