made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
