Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
