During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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