Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
