I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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