His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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