Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
