I think im going to throw up on grandma
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
