I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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