I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm too high and old for this...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
