I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
