booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
