Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
