Even the bartender felt bad for me
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
