My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
