I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
