Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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