I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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