was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
