I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
