I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
