ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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