apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
