trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
pop tarts are not kleenex
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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