I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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