ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The ass gains better be worth it
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