trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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