hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
