I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
