remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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