can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
