obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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