Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
