Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
