Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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