I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
