I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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