There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
