I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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