The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Every concussion has its silver lining
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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