I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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