We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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