I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Drake has all the answers
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
