I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
