Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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