Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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