you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
