No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
