i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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