Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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