It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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