Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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